Four.

Four years ago today, I married my better half.

The one who keeps me grounded. The one who makes me laugh. But, mostly the one who was crazy enough to marry me.

It was a crisp, fall day in November, and I was ready.

Ready to embrace everything that day meant. 

I was ready to say I do.

I was ready to be a wife.

I was ready to give up being selfish.

I was ready to share.

I was ready to compromise.

I was ready to grow old together.

I was ready to become one.

I was ready. 

I'll never forget that day...when I walked down the aisle towards my groom, seeing him for the first time that day.

It was such a special, sacred moment I will cherish forever.

As I neared closer, walking towards him, I realized his eyes were filled with tears. We locked stares as everything around us faded out. Nothing else mattered.

That one moment represented so much emotion and confirmation for me.

Because at that moment, I knew he was ready too.

It's been four years since that day. Consumed by good days, bad days, challenging days and blissful days.

We were both ready for the experience, the memories, the unforgettable moments, the storms, the roller coasters. Ready for all that comes with marriage.

But I wasn't ready for today. Or yesterday. Or the past 11 months. Not ready at all.

I wasn't ready for the shock of creating a human being together. 

I'm still amazed we created him.

I wasn't ready for the first time Carson looked into my eyes.

What is this feeling? I've never felt this before.

I wasn't ready for the feeling of being a mom.

Nor to cry at every little thing, even commercials.

I wasn't ready to share parenthood.

It's brought us closer than ever.

I wasn't ready for this unexplainable feeling of having a son together. 

The greatest gift.

On that day four years ago, I knew we would start a family someday, but I wasn't ready for all this.

This, being the most honest, humbling, self sacrificing emotions I have ever felt.

I wasn't ready because it's something I couldn't be ready for. It's something I had to experience, embrace and endure with my husband before I truly understood it.

And because of him, and that precious child we created together, I now get it. And it's the best feeling in the world.

Happy Anniversary, Brian.