It's like I'm running through a hailstorm, desperately trying to find somewhere to step inside, but every door I try is locked. So I continue to get nailed. All I have to do is find the one door that will let me inside, and I can't.
It's been occurring for several weeks now. This pressure I speak of.
I have knots in my back, and I've never had back problems before. I'm not sleeping very well. My mind is constantly racing. Ambien hasn't even worked (yes, I resort to drugs when I can't sleep for weeks at a time, don't judge).
Brian has asked, "Are you stressed? Are you having anxiety?"
Yes, we're busy and life is chaotic. But, that isn't slowing down anytime soon. And yes, I'm a planner and tend to be an over-analyzing perfectionist, but not able to handle pressure? No, that's not me.
Ok, I am an over-analyzing perfectionist. Couldn't be closer to it if I tried.
But today, after reading a friend's blog (about pulling the plug on her blog), I had an epiphany. Yes, a bring-you-back-to-high-school-reading-lesson epiphany.
No, I'm not pulling the plug on my blog (sorry friends, you're stuck with me).
I'm simply feeling pressured.
Pressure to blog.
With pictures in every post, of course.
Pressure to not have to resort to frozen meals for dinner.
Because frozen pizza doesn't win you the mommy of the year award.
Pressure to have a spic and span home.
Because people will judge me if I hire a cleaning lady.
Pressure to get my pre-pregnancy stomach back.
C'mon, it's been almost a year, what is taking so long?
Pressure to dress my kid cute for school.
He cannot wear sweat pants everyday, can he?
Pressure to capture the perfect picture of my kid.
Then, post it to Instagram, Facebook and my blog.
Pressure to make his first Halloween memorable.
Because he's totally going to remember it.
Pressure to make a big deal out of every milestone.
And be sure to document them...pictures included.
Pressure to be the one who starts our family traditions.
If I don't, who will?
Pressure to not feed my kid ice cream before he turns one.
Apparently, it's not ok to feed your kid sweets before one.
Pressure to plan the perfect 1st Birthday.
Complete with color-coordinated and themed everything.
Pressure to finish C's baby book before said birthday.
I have all these pictures, and no book to show for it?
Pressure to please everyone else.
And keep a smile on my face.
Pressure to keep up with all the other craftastic, artsy, involved moms.
What is this a competition?
Pressure to not scream and fall apart when I really want to.
For the love, quit your whining Krista.
Now, I know some of these sound extremely silly.
Especially since we have the east coast in shambles after Sandy. Including one of my dear friends who lives in Hoboken and just went six days without power.
But it's seriously a problem for me. I am pressuring myself about things that shouldn't even warrant pressure.
Who cares if we eat a frozen pizza for dinner or Carson's birthday plates don't perfectly match. Why am I causing all this anxiety and worry? Why do I care so much?
I come from a family with worry genes. I worry too much, and feel off kilter if one little thing isn't perfect. It's not ideal, nor who I want to be, I wish I could let go and not care...but it's the way I am.
I don't know...
how an anal, detail-oriented, obsessive planner (I have no idea who that might be) will learn to come to terms with not making everything perfect.
But I do know...
that something needs to change. I need to relax. Let things fall into place. Redirect my energy and focus on things that really matter. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I'm not the perfect blogger. I'm not the perfect wife. And I'm definitely not the perfect mother. But I do the best I can.
Lucky for me, I married one of the good ones. He's patient and laid back, and continually tries his damnedest to get me to relax. And puts up with my moodiness and antics when PMSing goes into overtime.
And that sweet, precious kid of mine? He doesn't give a damn about what he wears to school, how many pictures his baby book will contain, or if his birthday cake will be homemade or store bought.
If you're feeling pressured, mom or not, join me and just let go. Even if it's just for a day.
I must say, writing this really did help. Thank you for listening. Now go vote.
9 Comments:
We recently hired a cleaning lady...it has helped a ton! As for the baby book, that is why I blog or my kids would have no memories!
Let me know if I can do anything to help with the bday party. SERIOUSLY, let me know!
Oh, girl, I feel ya. I finally hired a cleaning lady this summer after six years of letting that task overwhelm me...$100 changed my life.
Also, I am a worry too, but I'm trying to be better about being Type B+ instead of Type A. It sounds nerdy, but a little meditation in the morning and evening really helped me. I know, I know, send in the hippies, right? But seriously, it helped. Good luck!
I feel like you just read my mind. I was seriously just sitting here stressing about what Arden would wear for Thanksgiving. Really?! Unnecessary.
I'm going to do my best to let those things go too. Glad you wrote this!
Totally feeling like I'm being crushed every day. I need to find new mommy blogs to follow. Those that work instead of stay-at-home and have more time with their kids, more time to cook, clean, craft and all the things we would do if we actually had time.
Ugh.
Ok ya u will take that in for a day and u will be back to ur perfectionist self haha. Stop ur pittyness plan a bomb Ass party for.Carson and get over it. All that in that article is who u r and what makes u fab. I always said I wouldn't do it for my next but I do even more!!! Honestly we like.to be stressed!!!! Now get.back to planning his party the pressure is on to see those pics on ur blog haha.....love ya
Oh.Girlfriend.
SO many of us can relate to this. Something tells me most bloggers are type A control-a-holics who struggle to keep up with it all. ;)
This is something I struggle with everyday. And I try to really sit back and ask myself - WHO am I doing all this for? My husband and daughter? Or trying to keep up with all the other moms who paint a picture of perfection on every social media outlet possible? Most of the time I just realize I care way too much what others think.
AND no one has it all together all the time. NO ONE. It's easy to only share the good stuff. Ya know?
I think you're cool even if Carson's one year birthday party doesn't have color coordinated plates. ;)
OMG this is such a great post. Thank you for writing this because it is so true. And guess what? I think we all feel it.
Jimmy and I just had a heart to heart discussion about dinner (and how I need his help) or we WILL be eating frozen pizza every night.
My eating/lack of working out is not helping with this post-pregnancy stomach.
My kid pretty much wears sweat pants to school every day.
No completed baby book. It's empty, but I have random stuff saved for when I have time (yeah right).
And I will NOT judge you if you hire a cleaning lady. This girl I work with just suggested I try it out - um last Thursday was the first time - I am pretty sure I was beaming walking into my clean house that I didn't clean. Life changing I tell you.
And Carson's party will be perfect because he has the most wonderful mom and dad and family that love him!!! Hang in there!! And again - thanks for writing and being so open. We all need this!!
About a month ago - I FELT THE EXACT SAME WAY.It is overwhelming trying to do everything. That's why we gotta let go and let Him handle it! p.s. i think you are a pretty great blogger :)
Loved this post!! Feel this way all the time. I make a routine to sit watch my Days of Our Lives, drink a Dt. Coke and just relax for at least 30 minutes while Lilah naps everyday. Every mom needs a break sometimes!! Your a great momma and I love reading your blogs!!
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